Cheney calls for Anti-Criticism Defense Shields

WASHINGTON, DC

Citing the need to safeguard "America's most vital institutions and politicians" against potentially devastating attacks, President Bush asked Congress to sign off on a $30 billion funding package to help fight the ongoing War On Criticism when it resumes next year.

"Sadly, the threat of criticism is still with us," Bush told members of Congress in a red-flagged email today. "We thought we had defeated criticism with our success in Afghanistan and in Iraq." We thought that the ratings victory of Fox News might signal the beginning of a lasting peace with the media. Yet, despite all this, criticism abounds."

Critical activities, Bush noted, are slowly returnng to pre-Sept. 11 levels, when well-organized, coordinated attacks on his administration were carried out on a near-daily basis. But in spite of the National Criticism Alert Level holding steady at yellow (elevated), administration officials warn of severe impending attacks.

"We've become too complacent," Attorney General Roberto Gonzales said. "We've grown accustomed to thinking of criticism as something that only happens to people in other political parties or other countries. But this administration needs this funding to counter a very real threat to its reputation."

"Tha fact is, I could not protect my ongoing Halliburton cronyism from critical strikes with just a few million dollars. We need powerful preemptive legislation," Vice-President Dick Cheney said. "We need to build stronger anti-criticism defense shields in this country. And the time to act is now, before the media say something negative about us."

If the funding is approved, the Bush Administration will act swiftly to shore up numerous areas of vulnerability. Among the actions: ensuring that the White House is defended against verbal snipers, safeguarding all the president's actions from scrutiny, and sealing off the largest sources of domestic criticism by securing and patrolling the national media.

Congressional leaders are already pledging their support for the plan.

"As government officials, we have an absolute obligation to protect the leader of this country from future acts of criticism," said U.S. Sen. Charles Grassley (R- IA)said. "And it will not be cheap, easy, or quick."

"We're all in this together," Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said. "You attack one American politician, you attack us all."