News Flash! No Need to Even Vote in November

Thanks to Franklin Seiberling for passing this along. Now why on earth didn't I hear about this on NPR? I did enjoy the piece on "lemongate" this afternoon. Made me think of that old saying "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." But what if the Department of Homeland Security has sequestered and subsequently destroyed all the lemons thereby further alienating the Argentinians and the rest of the world and you have no lemons to beverage-ize? Xenophobia is just plain 'ol bad manners and is really fucking up the world.

OUTSOURCING ANNOUNCEMENT by Staff Reporter Melynda JillWashington D. C. -

Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States will be outsourced to overseas as of June 30, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead."The cost savings will be quite significant," says Congressman Adam Smith (R-Wash), who, with the aid of the Congress research arm, the General Accounting Office has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive on the world stage," Congressman Smith said. Exporting American jobs has been a popular trend lately, ironically at the urging of President Bush.Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for 240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks.Unfortunately, he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit."I'm in shock," Mr. Bush stated. "I thought for sure I'd have some job security around this here place. I have no idea what I'll do now," he further lamented.Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move.Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open."I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday."Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern. The Spokesperson further noted that "additional savings will be realized as these scripting tools have already been used previously by Mr. Bush here in the US. Such scripts will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having to fully understand the issue itself."Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.