Friday, July 09, 2004

Fresh Hell As Promised

Democratic presidential candidate and front-runner, John Kerry has blown it with his choice of North Carolina Senator John Edwards as his running mate. I'll tell you why and who he should have have chosen. Everyone knows that Kerry is married to the woman who inherited a barge load of money. The Heinz fortune as you may recall? In America if you have enough scratch you can pay to have any silly 'ol rule changed, so the fact that Tobey is only in his 20's is not an issue. If you don't know why this might be a problem for a less "fortunate" candidate, I'm going to suggest you take an American Civics class (good luck on those loans) or hit the search engine of your choice.

Next issue, please. Howard Dean is credited with bringing in thousands of zealous, young voters onto the electoral dance floor with his "do the hustle" campaign and these kids love Tinseltown. Heck, Tinseltown loved Dean. They were falling all over themselves to hit the road for the guy. Some of my favorite people love Howard, okay? These sweet peas (young voters) need a new hero. They need someone they can relate to. Who they think is cute and available. Call me skeptical but I don't think a married white guy with a skippy boy hairdo and 2 little kidlets is all that inspiring to this battalion of college students. I live in a university town and I'll tell you what...these idealists all love Maguire and everybody loves Spiderman. He's number one at the box office two weeks in a row.

Kerry would have been wise to have chosen a Superhero. Given the xenophobic atmosphere of this nation, Spidey could have spun a big web over the mainland and kept out all the those pesky foreigners who are coming in and gobbling up all our jobs and looking for a better life. He could have enlisted some of his other superhero pals to go ahead and either blow up or mow down the statue of liberty and get it over with. Didn't Lou Reed suggest this during the Reagan administration? MY VP choice would just get the job done. Forget about explaining away a vote for The Patriot Act (unlike Sen. Edwards) or any other such silliness. If some naive citizen were trying to check out Huck Finn from their local library, we'd have a vice-president who could just web the entire building shut until the offensive reader (or soon to be "thwarted reader" as Umberto Eco would refer to him or her) could be brought to justice.

Now here's something that is especially sweet. Imagine the debate between Dick Cheney and Tobey Maguire/Spiderman. When Cheney begins to defend an exceptionally offensive stance on, say, Iraq & Halliburton, my suggestion for Kerry's VP would merely have to lift up his arm, drop his hand down in a palm out position and zap-web the sucker's lips shut.

Yessirbob. John Kerry blew it. Big time. As Dorothy Parker would have asked, "What fresh hell is this?" Why don't these guys ever ask me anything?


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