edited version published in the July issue of The Iowa Source
Dear Meg,
I have a 27 month old daughter, Felicity, who is prone to these incredible temper tantrums, I am currently reading The Emotional Life of a Toddler to try and help me figure her out! Whenever we attend playgroup it's a challenge to keep her from leaving bite marks on one of my friend's children when she throws one her fits. I'm very embarrassed by this. Is there is any etiquette for such situations? Can you help me with my daughter?
Paul
My Dear Paul,
Of course, I can help you, That's what I am here for. I am sorry Miss Felicity is giving you a rough time and having one herself. To be perfectly honest, I'm beginning to question this whole culture of insight and I'd suggest tossing out the book. Sometimes the proverbial tomato is just the proverbial tomato. They don't call them the terrible two's for nothing. Easy for me to say, I know. If she were my child I'd be calling in the National Guard, the Navy SEALS, a specialist or five from the National Institutes of Health and, possibly, an exorcist. Either that or I'd be wrapping my head in a bath towel followed by aluminum foil in an attempt to shield myself from the noise and the emotional turmoil of being subjected to my offspring's misery.
As for the biting, have you seen those new style leashes called "Gentle Leaders" which they have for dogs? It's a contraption that allows one's pooch to breathe through it's nose but not open it's mouth. Any decent veterinarian or pet shop should have one. Your friends might find this method a bit barbaric but if it spares you the expense of future stitches, the embarrassment and possible resentment of your peers, I'd take that risk given that we find ourselves living in such a litigious time. I'd be devastated to hear that a member of your playgroup decided to take legal action against you simply because sweet Felicity behaved quite normally for her age. Now that would be extremely rude! Friends should never sue one another. Give her some time, Paul, I have little doubt Felicity will blossom into the full glory of her name in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Thank you for trusting me with your query.
Love,
Meg
Dear Meg,
Last month I was watching the Euro '04 soccer game in my favorite bar when that adorable 18 year old, Wayne Rooney, grabbed another two goals for England giving them a 4-2 win over Croatia. I promptly joined the merriment and got completely hammered. I woke at lunchtime and found two phone numbers in my pocket with no names. Should I phone and wing it? What's appropriate in this situation?
Heather
My Dear Heather,
I can assure you I would be on to anyone who was winging it about not remembering my name from the night before. I suppose the question for you is whether or not you want to spend your time with a "boy" who would not be savvy enough to pick up on this sort of tomfoolery. My dear girl, what makes you think these numbers are necessarily from a member of the opposite sex anyway? I'll bet while you were getting your groove on there was more than one foxy lady throwing a glance your way and quite possibly a slip of paper.
It's important to bear in mind that the recipient of your call could be on to you and just in it for a free meal or a little tip-toeing through the tulips, if you get my drift. Additionally, there's more than a small chance that in your post-game joviality you tripped the light fantastic with the dreaded Amway sales person, an alien walk-in akin to Dick Cheney or you could well have the phone number of the man of your dreams. I suppose there is only way to find out. If you have that modern phone feature which blocks your number when making outgoing calls, I would recommend using it. I'd also suggest employing a bit more caution in the your post-football celebrations. Call me old fashioned, I tend to like it when a potential suitor rings me up and actually remembers my name and what I look like.
I am pleased you were stateside, Heather. Had you been in a small town in northern UK where soccer fans are a bit more robust, you could well have ended up with a black eye and a busted lip. I know I don't have to remind you what bad manners violence is. Good luck with your digits!
Thank you for trusting me with your query.
Meg
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